I\u2019ve been thinking a lot lately about non-binary intersecting identities\u2014well, actually, I\u2019ve always thought a lot about them, but\u00a0lately I’ve decided to more fully flesh out my\u00a0thoughts in order to share them with you\u2014and right now I\u2019m thinking about the poly lifestyle, and what it means to identify as poly, and how the meaning of the identification can change depending on other lifestyle intersections. Not too long ago I had a conversation with a friend who’s relatively new to the lifestyle about how when you\u00a0start\u00a0attending poly\u00a0events there\u2019s always someone (and usually more than one someone) who wants to impart their very\u00a0firm\u00a0beliefs\u00a0of what perfect poly is, and how someone who identifies as poly should act, the kinds of rules that should be in place, and whatever else they feel is correct\u00a0in their\u00a0belief system. And though we are\u00a0two people with very different, backgrounds, collections\u00a0of experiences, and ways of living the poly lifestyle,\u00a0we agreed\u00a0quickly that:<\/p>\n
There is no perfect poly.<\/p>\n
The thing is, perfection is a tenuous concept, especially in any non-traditional lifestyle. And let\u2019s face it, it\u2019s a tenuous idea in traditional lifestyles too, it\u2019s just not really spoken about in such terms because living a traditional lifestyle usually means that you\u2019re amenable to living within the structures and constraints understood by the collective majority. Which is fine when that works for you, and it\u2019s also fine when your perfect idea of poly works for you, but what\u2019s not fine is trying to impose whatever perfect structure you\u2019ve constructed for your life on someone else. Not to mention that having a perfected structure for what poly means might tend to impose a rigidity that can work with a certain set of partners, as long as things don\u2019t change a lot within that structure, which is rarely the case.<\/p>\n
For example, let\u2019s consider the single poly person. As so eloquently elaborated on in The Critical Polyamorist<\/a>\u2019s post about Couple-centricity, Polyamory, and Colonialism<\/a> (which offers important perspectives\u00a0that go far beyond the scope this post), there is a tendency in the poly community to default to couple-centricity, which has the effect of emphasizing a hierarchy of relationships within the poly structure, and can sometimes relegate the single poly person to a lower status within the community. This is not something that happens across the board, and is an idea that fluctuates widely depending on personal perspective and experience, but that it does exist is a good reminder of how easily we can unconsciously fall into systems put in place by the mainstream majority.<\/p>\n That is not to say that the idea of couple-centricity is a bad thing\u2014it\u2019s just as easy for people in the poly community to insist that hierarchy within poly relationships is not the perfect way to do poly, and terms like primary and secondary or ancillary are hierarchy-reinforcing and therefore destructive to the perfect poly lifestyle, to which I say: Mind your own perfection! After all, every relationship fluctuates, and the way that we feel about a partner or a combination of partners will shift depending on many factors, including the coming and going of NRE (new relationship energy), and other factors such as whether or not one or more partners identifies as kinky, or has time constraints because of work, school, or other obligations, et cetera. One example of this is neatly laid out in the concept of \u201cNot Better, Just Different\u201d described by Silverwolf<\/a> for The Polyamory Society<\/a>.<\/p>\n I like Silverwolf\u2019s discussion of NRE versus ORE (old relationship energy), but I don\u2019t think there\u2019s any one correct way to deal with things in the poly structure. For example, let’s take the case of a long-standing ancillary poly partner with a new primary partner in the throes of NRE\u2014can there be a perfect approach in handling\u00a0this situation? While one person\u2019s idea of perfect poly might be that all loves be equal, they just aren\u2019t always, and therefore sometimes hierarchy becomes part of a structure where it didn\u2019t exist before. (The author of Poly Styles<\/a> describes hierarchical versus egalitarian styles of poly in their post on Living Poly<\/a>.) This can be a difficult situation to deal with when you\u2019re used to an egalitarian poly structure, and there\u2019s no easy or necessarily correct answer for how to react. It depends entirely on the new agreements that the primary couple ends up having, and how those agreements mesh well or differ from the agreements you have with your ancillary poly partner. Relationships change just like feelings change just like people change over time. A shift in focus and attention might feel like rejection or neglect, but it does not have to be perceived that way, and a thoughtful investigation into the concept of compersion<\/a> can do wonders in this situation.<\/p>\n Another type of poly relationship that is often controversial within the poly community is the platonic poly partner. There are those who say that there is no such thing, that a platonic poly relationship is \u201cjust\u201d a non-sexual friendship, so why call it poly? To that I would say the same thing to someone who says a single poly person might be considered someone who is \u201cjust\u201d dating different people\u2014if you identify as poly, and your partner identifies as poly, and you agree that you are in a poly relationship together, then you are in a poly relationship together, regardless of whether or not or how or when sex enters into the arrangement. (For an astute example, see S. E. Smith\u2019s definition of the word \u201cqueerplatonic<\/a>.\u201d) I don\u2019t like to apply rules to identification, but I will assert that self-identification is key: Nobody else gets to decide how poly you are or aren\u2019t.<\/p>\n Now that I\u2019ve drilled it home that there is no \u201cperfect poly,\u201d here\u00a0are\u00a0excerpts from Dr. Kenneth Haslam\u2019s The 12 Pillars of Polyamory<\/a>, which I feel quite strongly is a collection of guidelines that would help reinforce the fluidity in anyone\u2019s definition of a perfect relationship, poly\u00a0or not:<\/p>\n I. AUTHENTICITY II. CHOICE III. TRANSPARENCY IV. TRUST V. GENDER EQUALITY VI. HONESTY VII. OPEN COMMUNICATION VIII. NON-POSSESSIVE IX. CONSENSUAL X. ACCEPTING OF SELF DETERMINATION XI. SEX POSITIVE XII. COMPERSION *The above 12 pillars are direct quotes from Dr. Hansen, and my sidenotes are italicized in parentheses.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u2019ve been thinking a lot lately about non-binary intersecting identities\u2014well, actually, I\u2019ve always thought a lot about them, but\u00a0lately I’ve decided to more fully flesh out my\u00a0thoughts in order to share them with you\u2014and right now I\u2019m thinking about the poly lifestyle, and what it means to identify as poly, and how the meaning of… Read More »Poly Perfect<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":18,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"neve_meta_sidebar":"","neve_meta_container":"","neve_meta_enable_content_width":"","neve_meta_content_width":0,"neve_meta_title_alignment":"","neve_meta_author_avatar":"","neve_post_elements_order":"","neve_meta_disable_header":"","neve_meta_disable_footer":"","neve_meta_disable_title":"","neve_meta_reading_time":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[26,18,17,39,22,37,35],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.manhattanalternative.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/203"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.manhattanalternative.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.manhattanalternative.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.manhattanalternative.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/18"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.manhattanalternative.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=203"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.manhattanalternative.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/203\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.manhattanalternative.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=203"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.manhattanalternative.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=203"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.manhattanalternative.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=203"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nYou must know yourself and be comfortable being you.
\n(I would just add, do the best you can. Nobody is always entirely comfortable with themselves, or knows exactly who they are, and identities shift and change over time. So I would paraphrase this to say: Be on a constant search for authentic authenticity.)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n
\nA grounded and balanced Poly understands they are free to make decisions about how they will live their life.
\n(Nothing to add here.)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nAlthough some will disagree, I firmly believe that there should be no secrets in Polyamory.
\n(While I tend to agree with this idea, and what others might call radical honesty, I also believe that disclosure is a very personal thing that should be done on a timeline and with people as aligned to the individual\u2019s comfort level. I do personally believe that transparency in one\u2019s identifying as non-monogamous should happen right away, however. That said, this is not always possible when you\u2019re not sure exactly how you identify, in which case the transparent conversation would go something like: I\u2019m not sure how I identify in terms of non-monogamy.)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nA quick definition of trust is: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
\n(Side note: Trust comes with time, and should not be given too freely, or withheld too stringently. Again, this is according to the individual\u2019s timeline and comfort level.)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n
\nWhat is good for the goose is good for the gander.
\n(And also for those who are neither goose nor gander.)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n
\n(I think this goes without saying, though I also will refer you back to what I said about transparency.)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n
\nAlthough this overlaps other Pillars it is so important it is worth repeating.
\n(I think this should be #1.)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n
\nNo one owns anyone.
\n(I very much believe this, though of course there is the case in which someone is kinky and their partner identifies as being owned by them, and we could get in a very long philosophical conversation about what that really means.)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nEveryone knows what is going on in all the partners’ lives and everyone AGREES to what is going on.
\n(This should also be #1, if there can be two #1s. And I happen to believe that 2 #1s is a perfectly poly premise.)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n
\nUnderstanding that each of us is different is essential. Encouraging your partners to follow their own life’s path is mandatory.
\n(Absolutely, otherwise you\u2019re in a coercive relationship.)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n
\nSexuality is, of course, a major part of Polyamorous relationships and all partners being in agreement on sexual matters is essential.
\n(And practice safer sex obvi!)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n
\nUnderstanding and embracing compersion is the essence of successful Polyamorous relationships.
\n(I\u2019ll link to Dr. Elisabeth Sheff\u2019s Psychology Today article on compersion again <\/em><\/span>here<\/a>, because I agree that this is paramount, and if we can have two #1s we can also have three!)\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n